Thursday, November 18, 2010

A TVOS Exclusive: Evil Ray Halladay's First Ever Interview!

MLB pitcher and best selling author Dirk Hayhurst (The Garfoose) warned us many times of the existence of “Evil Ray Halladay” and yet many chose to disregard Hayhurst’s warnings, until Evil Ray appeared on Twitter one fateful July weekend.

On Twitter, Evil Ray’s location states that he is “Behind you in the shadows”

His bio read like this - “I’m the guy that will punch you in the face if you don’t stop reading this. Or, if you’re the bleeding heart sissy type, I'm an orphan that needs money.”

Possibly the evil clone of a certain MLB pitcher, Evil X-Ray Halladay finds great joy in spreading his evil ways and tormenting friends and fans of Hayhurst, known as Garfooslings. It appears that I have earned a special place on Evil Ray’s long list of enemies for being a faithful Garfoosling and daring to ask for an interview; that simple question several months ago has changed my life!

Much Like Garlic Wards Off Vampires,
Cute Animal Pictures Keep
Evil Ray Halladay Away
Since July, my newspapers have been disappearing, replaced by poorly spelled warnings, written in crayon. Beavers covered in maple syrup have been thrown at my house. I hear mocking laughter coming from deep within dark alleys. Can I say for sure it is Evil Ray - no, I cannot, but it certainly fits his modus operandi.

He originally agreed to an interview in July, informing me we were to meet in an abandoned Lucky Charms factory. It was a trap; Evil Ray ambushed me, pelting me with blue diamonds, green clovers, and purple horseshoes for hours, until I passed out from the marshmallow beating. Plagued by nightmares from that experience, I still have the marks to remind me of Evil Ray’s evil ways.

Since that time, I have made several trips to Russia, attempting to track down any of the original scientists that are responsible for the creation of Evil Ray. The journeys have been costly and dangerous, but for my own peace of mind, and the desire to track down Evil Ray on behalf of my readers, I have continued.

To protect myself, I have spent countless hours training an elite force of ninja-penguins the subtleties of kung-fu fighting and placed a letter outlining all that I have discovered about Evil Ray in a safety deposit box, to be opened if I should disappear. For example, did you know that pictures of cute, baby animals apparently have the same effect on Evil Ray that garlic does on vampires?

While an interview with this mysterious evil clone would be one of my greatest achievements, it is also my worst nightmare come true. Last night, all those fears and a few new ones were realized - Evil Ray “decided” it was time for the interview.

Walking down the street, surrounded by my kung-fu master ninja penguins, someone, or some evil force, emerged from behind me in the shadows. I regained consciousness in an abandoned Frankenberry factory. My elite force of ninja penguins were nowhere to be found, yet a wonderful aroma filled the air, and Evil Ray continually offered me “Antarctic Chicken Burgers” and “Antarctic Chowder”...

He would not leave the shadows; mocking me from the darkness instead, with incoherent rants about Hayhurst and his Garfoose. He would not speak to me for the interview - insisting that the conversation would happen via email from across the room. Being the evil clone that he is, after a three-hour interview/interrogation, Evil Ray smashed my computer to destroy all the evidence of our conversation.

Franklin L. Llama
TVOS Computer Expert
For the past twelve hours, my brigade of llama scientists have worked on repairing the destroyed computer, attempting to recover any evidence of my conversation with Evil Ray. What follows is all that is left of my encounter with Evil X-Ray Halladay... I have looked into the eye-patch of evil and survived...

A worldwide TVOS exclusive, I present my conversation with EVIL X-RAY HALLADAY: Tales of Survival!

TVOS: So Ray, I would say thank you for meeting me, but I know that being polite would only fuel your anger, so I will skip the formalities. I have often wondered, what is your favourite Boy Band? After all, Boy Bands are an evil curse on the world; you must love one of them...

Evil Ray: My favourite Boy Band is Lady Gaga. Don’t try and tell me she’s not really a man, or at least both. Look at those cheekbones, look at that manly strut. I’ve sold enough orphans on the black market and had to have enough underground surgeries to avoid the authorities to know a faker when I see one. Every time I hear her talk about her Disco Stick, I shudder.

My number two choice would be Menudo.

TVOS: Hmm, some very fascinating insights... Tell me this Evil Ray, What is your favourite kind of evil? The Cobra Commander “take over the world” type or the Megatron “destroy the world” type? Perhaps you have created a completely new level of evil? What kind of leader will you be if you achieve world domination?

Evil Ray: These guys have it all wrong. You don’t want to take over the world, or destroy it. Obama tried one, BP tried the other and now everyone hates them. People always blame their problems on someone else, and that someone else is whoever is in power. I prefer the kind of evil that lets me take, swindle, cheat, rob, and kill, but then the people get mad at someone else for not being able to stop me.

TVOS: Your perfect brother Roy (the fact that Evil Ray is related to a certain MLB pitcher is still unconfirmed I should add), achieved perfection on the mound, a no-hitter in the playoffs, and another Cy Young Award this season. Did you call to congratulate him or did your evil and anger reach new heights as the spotlight shone brighter on your brother?

Evil Ray: Everyone wants to talk about his no hitter. Yeah, well, that’s all fine and dandy if you’re into baseball, which, unfortunately most of the idiot population of this hemisphere is. He’s the champion of hard work and how it pays off. Well I’m here to tell you that only morons work hard when I’ve lived a life of comfort stealing from other people’s accomplishments.

Besides, who’s to say I haven’t accomplished something. I put the first recorded ferret in space. I have my poster up in 36 different states and 14 countries. I have connections with people who can get you anthrax and plutonium—that kind of success doesn’t come over night, thank you very much.

TVOS: Is there any truth to the rumour I just made up that you and Triple H will headline Wrestlemania, taking on Dirk Hayhurst and The Garfoose in a no DQ, steel cage, tag-team match?

Evil Ray: I can neither confirm nor deny that, since I’ve already started placing my bets. However, I can confirm I hope the imbecile Hayhurst and his stupid spotted fleabag get their ******* kicked.

TVOS: The Garfoose seems to kick your a** on a regular basis; are you scared of him?

(Editor’s note - after I asked that question, the computer recorded approximately 25 minutes of extreme language and profanities, too evil for anyone to hear without losing their minds - we lost one llama scientist to madness, I cannot risk the same for TVOS readers!)

Evil Ray: I’m not scared of anyone! Not you, not Roy, and not that mangy stuffed animal Hayhurst talks to before bedtime. And the tales of my ass getting kicked are greatly exaggerated. The first time, I wasn’t ready, plain and simple. The second time, I slipped. Number 3-10 came when I was fasting for religious reasons, and therefore not at full strength. Then I had a series of colds, viruses, and arthritic flare-ups. Recently, I did manage to step on the Garfoose’s tail. It was an evil step. Very evil.

This interview is over!!!!

...And just like that dear reader, my time with Evil Ray Halladay had mercifully ended. While it is an encounter with evil that I can never forget, there is more to his story and I will continue my quest to solve the Evil Ray Halladay mystery.

A very special thank you to Dirk Hayhurst for risking his own well-being to help set up the Evil Ray Halladay interview - If you have not visited Dirk’s new-look website, I highly recommend you drop by for a visit! I also suggest you pick up a copy of his book “The Bullpen Gospels” - it is an open and honest account of life in the minor leagues and the man beneath the uniform; it is an amazing and thoroughly entertaining book.


Hot in Cleveland said...

I am so relieved you survived this ordeal, TVOS, and came out alive. When the publishers do finally come after you waving their offers of book deals, I'll be happy to edit and proofread your work for free! (And help you select an adorable picture of a baby animal for the cover so Evil Ray will never crack the spine!)

jas faulkner said...

You, sir, are a very brave man. And thank you for the picture of the kitten. Did you know theyre really good with roasted parnips and a little bit of olive oil and tarragon?

Rachel said...

Great interview! Would you ever be brave enough to do a one-on-one interview live on video with Evil Ray??


The Voice of Sport said...

When Evil Ray discovers my llama computer experts were able to restore parts of the interview and that I have posted it online - I'm sure he will be seeking revenge!!

He may agree to a video interview, but I fear it would be a trap...

Also, I am not sure if a video camera could record that much evil without pushing it's own auto-destruct button.