Saturday, July 17, 2010

The Garfoose warned us "Evil X-Ray Halladay" was real...

This weekend, the Twitter world was rocked by the arrival of an evil force rarely witnessed by sports fans. The normally tranquil world of "I'm out having coffee", "What are U doing", and "Today at The Voice of" was shattered by the presence of Evil X-Ray Halladay (@EvilRayHalladay).

The world was warned repeatedly by Dirk Hayhurst (@TheGarfoose on Twitter), a relief pitcher with the Toronto Blue Jays and best-selling author of The Bullpen Gospels, of Evil Ray's existence, but many did not listen, or could not fathom that such an evil presence could exist in the world. Rumoured by some to be a fictional character living in Hayhurst's basement, the truth is now online for all to see - Evil Ray Halladay is real! Threatening kittens and puppies, and constantly tormenting Hayhurst via Twitter, telling him he is “too weak to rule this mud-ball planet”, Evil Ray has become a force on Twitter and his plan is to rule the world.

According to legends, Evil Ray Halladay is the cloned brother of a certain MLB pitcher, born in a secret laboratory in Russia. He wears an eye-patch, has a hook instead of one of his arms, can reportedly kick Chuck Norris' ass in a fight and he is pure evil. He has a paper route, stealing the newspapers and selling them on the black-market and he has been known to torment orphans in his spare time. Unbelieving at first, I reached out to Evil Ray on Twitter and discovered too late that he is very real, he is very evil, and he is ready to engage in a war of words with anyone, at anytime.

Hayhurst recently announced he would be sharing two more books with the world, and so I asked Evil Ray in our first encounter if Hayhurst’s recent success as an author was a source of jealousy, fuelling his anger.

His reply came swiftly, “@TheVoiceofSport I've heard of you, you're one of the @thegarfoose's favourite idiots. Turn to the dark side, I'll not ask you again!”

My next message to him turned a simple exchange, into a life or death situation that could be my greatest challenge as a sports columnist. I proudly proclaimed my dedication to Hayhurst - a Twitter friend and an extremely interesting person to interview and talk with. I informed Evil Ray I was a dedicated “Garfoosling” and it was then that I made my first mistake. I challenged Evil Ray to speak with TVOS for an interview - if he was brave enough!

Again, his response was swift, cutting and has perhaps sealed my fate, “You wish to interview me? For what? Your stupid site about being stupid? Bah, you are a flee to me... I’ll do it.”

We may or may not have agreed on a time for the interview and Evil Ray informed me that we would meet in an evil, dark, undisclosed location. Being the pure evil clone that he is, he never disclosed the secret evil location! A very well played move Evil Ray... I awoke this morning to find police cars outside my house - Ray must have been nearby! I asked Evil Ray if that was meant to scare me off the interview - is he afraid TVOS can reveal something he would rather the world did not know? I was informed that he had gone to the “wrong house” and I would “see him tomorrow morning!”

The battle has continued today, as Evil Ray informed me he has convinced Canadian icon and hero, The Littlest Hobo, to carry his sniper rifle. If Ray can corrupt a fine, law-abiding dog like the Hobo, what chance do I have? Regardless of my family’s concern for my safety, I have continued to go on the offensive with the offensive Evil Ray. I have offered him an open, uncensored forum for his anger and evil at The Voice of It remains to be seen if he is indeed brave enough to take up my challenge.

Unable to agree on a new time and location for the interview because Evil Ray is evil and being difficult, I emailed my questions to Hayhurst; informing Evil Ray they were sent, warning Dirk to be careful and not to endanger himself sliding the questions under Ray’s basement door.

So Evil Ray Halladay, the ball is in your court... Are you brave enough to answer the questions from “The Voice”? Are you willing to let the light shine onto your evil ways? I said it before, I will say it again - Evil Ray Halladay is very real and very evil... and now he is on Twitter seeking world domination.

I hope that this story will continue....

The kitten photo is by The Voice, it was chosen to taunt Evil X-Ray Halladay when he reads this article!! Perhaps TVOS will begin a "Kitten-A-Day" campaign on Twitter aimed at Evil Ray Halladay. Russian experts have informed me that a kitten a day has been known to keep Evil Ray away...

By the way, have you picked up a copy of Dirk Hayhurst’s book yet? The Bullpen Gospels is a tremendous read and is available in a book store near you!!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Oh my!
Incredible article!!!
I really really hope Ray answers your questions.
Good work.